Here, without much ado, are The Club Papers. These documents were composed over a period of several days, and were contributed to equally by each of the three members of The Club. The papers reflect all the egotism and ignorance of three high school morons, but impart a unique message that needs no qualification. Composed sometime during late 1996, in AP American History (and largely influenced by the cirriculum of that class), these documents remain unchallenged and unchanged since their adoption. So here, for your perusal (not approval), are The Club Papers in their entirety:

We, Jay burns, Chris Echols, and Shain "Twinkie" Johnson, the interdependent triple-manifestation of the entity known as "Cool" and sole masters of the universally coveted dwelling that is The Club, upon realization of the magnitudous significance of our existence and the profound capabilities of our combined intellect, do hereby declare these things to all who seek happiness, which is defined by us as enlightenment, which in turn begets coolness.

1.) Jay has all Executive powers.

2.) Chris has all Judicial powers.

3.) Twinkie has all Legislative powers.

1.) All the powers of the Executive Branch , being executive in nature, are endowed to Jay, on the condition that he use his natural wisdomTto exercise his powers for the common good and benefit of The Club, and won't be a dumbass.

2.) All Judicial powers are endowed to Chris, as long as he use his judicial wisdom to make good decisions and not be a dumbass.

3.) All powers of the Legislative Branch, being legislative in nature, are bestowed upon Twinkie, on the condition that he use his natural wisdom to exercise his powers for the common good and benefit of The Club, and won't be a dumbass.

1.) The Club Constitution will be organized into a simple list of rules and regulations, as opposed to articles and sections, as in the United States Constitution.

2.) All literary aspects of The Club Constitution, whether original or additions, must, in final form, be elaborately and eloquently written.

3.) The Legislative Branch has a penis.

4.) Number 3 does not necessarily renounce the posession of genitalia of the other 2 branches.

5.) The first batle waged by The Club shall be called the "Battle of Bad-Ass."

6.) Thomas Hart Benton was not in favor of paper weenies, but was in favor of rubber weenies, and therefore will receive no military aid- or aid of any kind- from The Club, at any time.

7.) Never, never, never-ever will the 3 members of The Club conduct themselves in any manner similar to "The 3 Guys on the Town", "The Ambiguously Gay Duo", or the "Cheerleaders" as seen on SNL.

8.) Well, maybe "The3 Guys on the Town," just on special occasions.

9.) As a consequence of the "Cock-A-Doodle-Doo Crap" in the mornings, the Rooster shall never be the official Club Bird- even if we have one. In addition, whenever a rooster is seen or heard, it will be properly disposed of by the necessary weapons, or those in sight at the time. Amen.

10.) From this day forth, The Club Constitution is to be referred to as "The Constitution," and the United States Constitution will be known as "The Other Constitution."

11.) If a woman ever ran across the U.S. naked, she would have to be automatically nominated into The Club for obvious reasons. (Note: has to be good looking.)

12.) Should the aforementioned EVER happen, we must all eat raw fish and suck our shoes up our nose- then watch the news of the lady and drool.

13.) From this day forth, whenever candles are blown out, pennies thrown down wells, or stars wished on- we must wish that Louisa [Sawyer] is that woman.

14.) Or Rachel Hollowell.

15.) Or Lindsay Fillers.

16.) Or Jill Ealy.

17.) Or Tabitha Burgner.

18.) Not Starr Siefkes.

19.) Not Mandy [Penley], Kelly Blevins, or Jackie Smith.

20.) Amendments thirteen through nineteen are to be placed on a separate sheet of paper and stowed away in The Club, along with any future amendments pertaining to number thirteen. This will be called The Constitution's "Black Papers."

21.) The Black Papers are never to be published in The Constitution, and references to them must be minimal.

22.) Due to the fact that one of the Executive Branch's pet peeves is quotation marks used where they do not belong, effective immediately, The Club is never to be palced in quotation marks.

23.) The physiological changes of puberty bring a new kind of self-awareness that did not exist in childhood.

24.) October twenty-second is officially proclaimed "Annual Club Members Wear Colored Thermal Underwear Shirts Day."

1.) Sell Jupiter to the Russians.

2.) Renounce American citizenship, take over a 3rd world country. {Never ratified}

3.) Start a "Bad List" of people who decline invitations to The Club.

4.) All laws- when in final form- must be elaborately written.

5.) Any member can propose bills, treaties, laws & acts; must be ratified by Legislative, supported by Executive, and enforced by Judicial.

6.) Most procedures will be based on U.S. Constitution, to save writing.

7.) Each branch will respect the other 2.

8.) No abuse of power, all infringements will be punished.

9.) "Human sexuality is a delightful fact of life, but when it is introduced into the workplace, it can create havoc." (Workbook Exercise 3c, sentence 22) {Irrelevant to The Club Constitution, but worth noting.}

10.) The official peacetime sidearm of The Club will be a penny-gun, each designed to the specifications of the individual brandisher. Thus, penny-proof war vests [should be worn] so we don't get bruised.

11.) Members are not allowed to shave their chins, except occasionally to increase thickness.

In the matter of the sale of the parcel known as planet Jupiter: we, The Club, universal holders of the ultimate power*, do hereby offer this to the eastern country of Russia. Should the Russians see fit to aquire this planet, it shall be sold at a rate of one tenth of one American cent per square mile- this being 3.66 x 10¹⁴ mi². In the ideals of good relations later in space, we offer this at an extremely fair price. Should the Russians ever attempt to attack Earth from Jupiter, they will be publicly declared dumbasses and completely annihilated. This will be The Club's reaction immediately, without question.

1. This treaty actually has nothing to do with Paris- however, every other treaty is named this, so this one is as well.

* Coolness